Take the Great American Challenge!

I've always been a "size queen," so the usual discreet little pinky finger clip-on that slips comfortably in a purse was never really enough for me.

Thankfully, there's "The Great American Challenge," which is the only adult plaything that can also double as a cudgel for use by police officers, club bouncers, and Vikings. No matter how big you think it is, it's bigger, perfect for those of us that fantasize about genital monsters and atom-bomb beasts.

Having handled one with my boyfriend at a high-end couples adult novelty store in Williamsburg, let me say one thing the catalogs won't tell you: it's heavy. So shockingly big that it feels like it's made of lead, and for someone of my size to lug it around a store was something of an exertion.

I'm not making a single cent off of these, just pointing out the existence for the benefit of the readership.

Buy it here.

All this brings up an interesting discussion topic, especially if you're an insecure male: does size matter?

The answer is maybe. Super-size queens are relatively rare. And truth be told, as amused as I am by a toy like this, in a relationship a monster member wouldn't even make the top 20 list of important characteristics. So rest easy, tiny guys!

Unless of course you joust and vanquish your opponent by "penis fencing," the way some species of snails do.

FUN FACT: the animal with the largest penis in proportion to its size is the hermaphroditic gooseneck barnacle, with a penis 40 times its body weight and size. The giant pork sword developed as barnacles are sessile.