The Sexiest Bodybuilders of Today

As much as I admire musclemen, all of whom are great athletes whose dedication I respect…but a lot of them aren’t that hot. It takes a long time to really develop mass, and so a lot of the more famous ones are older men.

There are a lot of sexy, handsome, chiseled studs with unbelievable physiques these days. They give us an Olympian ideal of strength combined with masculinity and traditional, classical handsomeness. In short, they’re guys with the whole package.



7. Brett Mycles

I like my men the way I like my steaks: beefy and All-American.

(I don’t eat meat anymore, but just...go with it.)

That’s Brett Mycles, or should I say Rob Sager: he’s the studliest, cutest jock you ever knew in high school.

If you ever want to see a good looking guy, just rent some gay porn. There’s lots of yaoi sensuality as a bonus factor. It’s always depressed me how in straight porn, none of the men are ever good looking. I suspect this is because of homophobia: most straight men wouldn’t want to have an accidental “gay” moment.

Unfortunately, Brett Mycles’s story doesn’t have a happy ending: he died in his thirties back in 2006, leaving his family, girlfriend and others. He’s doing wet, shirtless pictorials for the Angels now in beefcake Heaven.

Incidentally, I’ve already picked out my own porn name: Carmen Tangier. They ought to give me a call next time they want to do “The World’s Naughtiest Psychology Grad Students.”

6. Chris Jalali

He’s so cute!

I never read Tiger Beat, ever, as I had dignity and wasn’t the sort to get swept up with the crowd. But Chris Jalali activates the atavistic part of my brain remaining from my middle school girl ancestors.

The best part about Chris Jalali are his cute little nipples. They’re like tiny saucers. I could lick them all night.

5. Deidre Pagnanelli

I’m not just including the Italian-born Deidre as the “token” female on this list, but out of sheer astonishment at how well this beautiful Mediterranean woman can smoulder. Remember "Big Dragon II?" She's a dead ringer for how I pictured the post-ring Morgan.

4. Paul Telfer




God Bless Scotland!

The thing I like the best about the Brad Pitt-gorgeous Paul Telfer is his rough quality. He has a muscular build that's rough and blue collar. You just know he won't be gentle in bed: he'll throw you on the bed and take advantage of you like the handsome, big brute he is.






3. Sagi Kalev

Here’s what astonishes me the most about “Mr. Israel” Sagi Kalev: they never did the single most obvious pictorial to do, namely, “Man In Uniform.” He’s not just a dark, chiseled guy that looks like Dylan MacDermott with a Herculean brickhard build, he’s an honest-to-goodness war hero in the Gulf.

I’m sure Sagi Kalev’s got what it takes to please all the size queens too, male and female. It looks like he keeps a live guinea pig in his trousers.

2. Denis Sergovisky

It’s an interesting thing about Denis: anybody that’s ever criticizes his appearance generally says something like “he’s too perfect.” Well, I’m of the opinion that you can never be too perfect, along with being too rich or too thin.

“Blue-Eyed Beast” just doesn’t cover it. He’s so good looking, so perfect, you have trouble accepting what you see as real.

1. Ulisses Williams Jr.

Oh, come on. Could #1 really be anybody else?

He’s like something out of an episode of Desperate Housewives: a personal trainer for successful women. In a lot of film studies, they argue that the reason movie stars are so successful is because they’re “a reconciliation of opposites.” For instance, Will Smith’s success is due to the fact he can be goofy, yet sexy at the same time. Marylin Monroe was approachable and a goddess at the same time.

Ulisses Williams on the other hand, combines two qualities that would otherwise be contradictory. He’s handsome and sophisticated and stylish, but he also has a heat and grind like a male stripper. The man is nothing short of sex personified, a black Adonis with the body of a Hercules.

Of all the physiques I’ve ever seen, Ulisses Williams is the most astonishing. Healthy, strong, without roid bloat, natural, with delineated abs, he looks like something a genetic scientist would create, with his wide wingspan back, delineated chicklet muscles around the abs, and glistening, flawless dark skin. If I had to create my perfect man, it would be someone very much like Ulisses Williams Jr.

The sexiest professions?

I'm a New York City girl through and through, and for a lot of women of my generation that have independence, degrees, education, and careers of their own, it's usually less important to choose men on the basis of how well they can "keep" you. More and more, you see lots of women that are choosing young, handsome men for sexual purposes, to show off, and have sexy arm candy. In other words, women are choosing men for the same reason men have traditionally married young trophy blondes. I suspect this trend will increase as women get a lot more power in our society.

If you're a guy, this may be either bad news or good news. On the one hand, if you're a brawny, sexy guy, you have the possibility for a "sugar mama." On the other hand, it may make a lot of guys uncomfortable: after all, men aren't used to being sexualized. They're used to doing that to women! I've heard a persuasive argument that the origin of homophobia is the fear among men they might get treated themselves the way they treat women.

Sex tourism among wealthy first-world women is a pretty big event these days. Older gals love muscular, tall guys in places like Kenya and Jamaica, where a crop of giggolos lives to please visiting English and American divorcees.


1. Firefighters

There was a whole routine in Sex in the City about how the one thing you’re not allowed to talk about is the idea the reason Firefighters are such a big fantasy is a result of the desire to be rescued. The moment Cynthia Nixon mentioned it, the temperature dropped 20 degrees, especially among the hip, independent New Yorker career gals the Sex and the City types are. To admit it wasn’t okay.



But other than that, it’s not hard to understand why firefighters are such a big deal. They’re heroic, frequently covered in sweat and grime, hardbodied, brawny, frequently engage in lifting. They’re usually tanned, darkhaired Mediterranean types. In fact, they’re required to be strong: the average firefighter is required to be able to lift a 200 pound adult and run with them, for obvious job-related reasons. They're alpha males, confident and physical.



(And I made it through this one, successfully resisting the urge to use a single “hot” pun! Yay!)




2. Male Stripper



One of my asshole guy friends made the kind of observation that only assholes can make, which at first sounds like classic guy douchery, but the more you think about it, the more it makes sense. We were talking about the income gap between men and women.



“Oh, the gap doesn’t matter so much, because women can be strippers.”



I hit him on the arm as hard as I could for that.



“Hold up, think about it,” he said. “Unless you’re really really fat or old, most women could work as a stripper. Guys though? You can only be one if you have this superhuman, built bod almost no guys really have.”



I found this line of reasoning really hard to argue with.



The reason male strippers are sexy are not just because of their superhuman builds and desire to please and be sexualized, but because of their gift for accessorizing. Nothing is sexier than little bowtie collars, or leopard print jungle-man man-scraps.



One of the more absolutely jaw-dropping moments in the history of bodybuilding would be that time the unbelievable, supermasculine stud Ulisses Williams Jr. turned a regular flex and posing routine into something with a stripper heat and bump n’ grind.




3. Personal Trainer



I’ve joked about this before, but I’ve frequently imagined that once I turn forty, I would divorce my husband and have an affair with some sexy 20-something pool boy or gardner.

The reason personal trainers are sexy is because of the promise of secret, scandalous affairs.



4. Cowboy



Dark, tanned skin, chapped lips, an open grin, friendly eyes, a big rugged chest bursting out of an unbuttoned flannel shirt…yeah, there’s nothing like a cowboy. There are very few real men left on earth.



5. Serial Killer


This isn’t a fantasy of MINE, but I’m listing it here for the sake of completeness, because of all the girlfriends I know that think Sylar from HEROES is extremely hot. The appeal I can totally understand: women are frequently sexually attracted to things that make us afraid, and aggressive, predatory men with real intensity can be a turn-on.


I like to think I have a little more sanity and common sense than these silly people, of course, but it would be a lie…this entire nutty blog would be proof!

Visit me on City of Heroes

I'm not a big fan of comics, but I am a very big fan of men in tight pants.

My regular blog reader, fan, fellow musclegrowth.org forumgoer, and email correspondent Clark Savage Jr. (obviously not his real name) was considerate enough to give me a free trial to City of Heroes, a massive multiplayer online game. I was a good sport and gave it a shot (hey, it was free) and I was astonished. I had missed out on nearly every generation of video games, and so this experience was surprising. I was astonished at the flexibility and what an immersive experience the game could be.

I will admit, I was a little nervous I would end up one of those silly people I see in my college classes that vaporize their whole lives playing internet games. After my first evening really enjoying myself, out of sheer guilt, I think I did something like jog four miles and head to the library to study for several more hours!

I do have a little more nerd-girl street cred, of course. I'm still never heading to a science fiction convention, though I might make an exception if the handsome Michael Shanks is there.

If any of you muscle stud guys are on the Virtue server and you want to have a "team-up," send a message to "African Athena." Always the entrepeneur, I've even started my own Supergroup if anyone is interested!

A big dick isn't a big deal

I am concerned that some have misinterpreted my previous post a few days ago. Yes, I am a size-queen, but a big dick isn't really that big of a deal. On the list of male bodyparts, it comes 37th, if that, and if I was being honest, I'd say a smaller-than-average one is actually pretty sexy too.

When a person has anxiety about something, and fears something, the easiest thing to do is a mental process called reductionism – something is easier to understand and be a lot less nervous about if it is reduced in complexity. This happens in, for instance, foreign policy, and the media. Take for instance, the coverage of the recent Russian invasion of Georgia: it’s much easier to do what the press does, blame it on scary aggression by our old sparring partners, the Russians, as opposed to analyzing the historically complex, three way nature of the conflict between Georgians, Ossetians, and Russians.

If it’s something you’re scared of, reductionism can make it easier to deal with. I’ve argued previously that the entire basis of the website EpicLust is anxiety about women. That’s why there’s a fascination with large penises at EpicLust: if you’re afraid of women, if our motivations are imcomprehensible and unknowable, and it’s hard to understand what it is we want, it must be very reassuring to say that the secret to attracting adoration from women is to pack a superendowed protein pistol. For a great deal of men that don’t understand complexity in attraction, this can be a very powerful fantasy: the reduction of human sexuality to just having a big dick. Really, it’s just not that simple and never has been.

Romantic Times Mike O'Hearn articles

Romantic Times, that rag, is responsible for inflicting Fabio on the world, that joke that just won't die. Nobody knew who he was until Romantic Times dragged him into the spotlight.

All the same, Romantic Times occasionally redeems itself. Take for instance this piece with the stunningly handsome Mike O'Hearn. There are lots of muscular men, but few of them are over 5'10" or particularly good looking. Likewise, there are lots of tall good looking men that aren't particularly muscular or strong or virile. Mike has it all!

Read it here.

What do the RT editors say about him?

You're a New York editor specializing in women's fiction. A hefty manuscript crosses your desk and features a hero who is a wealthy entrepreneur, an actor in a major film, a potential Olympian and Mr. Universe. Wouldn't you scribble "too unrealistic" in the margin and move on?

But a Topaz editor would know better, for their latest Celebrity Topaz Man, Michael O'Hearn–a debut cover model for Justine Dare's HEART OF THE HAWK–fits that profile exactly. His company, Michael O'Hearn Enterprises, is a thriving multifaceted fitness-oriented concern. And he's landed a substantial role in an upcoming film that will co-star Gary Busey and Mickey Rourke. (O'Hearn teams up with Busey's character to track down villain Rourke.)

And also, here's a second one:

Close your eyes and imagine the perfect hero. If a tall, handsome blond with cool blue eyes and a chiseled golden body comes to mind, then you must be thinking of Michael O'Hearn.

Couldn't have put it better myself! But somehow, being in a movie with Mickey Rourke wasn't the path to becoming a household name?

What's better than a big dick?

I'll admit: I'm a size queen. I love a guy that's really well-grown down there, a virile, massive, brickhard all-meat fantasticock that quivers inside me and can split me in half. I could drain a thing like that dry. I'm not the most gorgeous girl in the world, but I've got desire and stamina and I could suck the chrome off a bumper.

Take for instance, the supersized Mukhtar Safarov, half-Russian, half-Brazilian, who is 9 inches around and 9 inches long. See, this I like, because how long it is isn't as important to me as how THICK it is. And Mukhtar...wow. Looks like he could drape his foreskin over a doorknob.

Well endowed? +6!

Plucked Eyebrows? -7! Sorry Mukhtar, you look like Right Said Fred. Get rid of it, you'll be really hot.

One thing:

"Mukhtar prefers the company of women opposed to gay men. Like many gay or bi men who have self-respect and a fantastic physique, the company of other gay men can usually be intimidating, intrusive, callous and frankly centered around them getting into your pants."

YES, ha ha! I knew it. In your face, everybody! You were just using all those guys to get to me, weren't you, oh mighty Plucked Eyebrowed One?

Still, though: has he ever BEEN with any women? Good God, we're just as callous as the cattiest gay men you could meet. Still, it's nice to know that even MEN are occasionally turned off by the immature, horndog antics of men.

Still, there are lots of things better than a Big Dick. It's nice to have, but it would not make the Top Ten list of most desirable sexual features, at least for me.

For me, it would be much better for a guy to have a big tongue - a lengthy, stretchy one you wonder how he keeps all of it inside his mouth, that is as wide as a doberman, and he can twirl in you like a miniature cyclone. Take this guy, for instance:

Sword n’ Sandal Movies that are actually worth seeing

If you love muscle men, and you love adventure, then Italian Sword n’ Sandal movies are a natural. The trouble is, like Westerns, they tend to be repetitive, literally – the thrifty Italians recycled the same story, the same actors, even the same costumes and sets! I suppose they worked under the philosophy that if a story is worth telling once, it’s worth telling ten times.

The big Sword n’ Sandal boom was between the time Steve Reeves’s HERCULES became an international hit in 1959 (and made Sylvia Koscina, his Yugoslav immigrant co-star, Italy’s own actress turned revolutionary) and 1965, when the boom petered out and Italian studios like the Mussolini-founded Cinecitta and directors like Mario Bava and Sergio Leone switched from muscleman movies starring North Americans, to spaghetti Westerns starring Clint Eastwood and others.

In general, most Sword n’ Sandal pictures are repetitive, simplistic, and uncomplicated – sort of like Westerns were back when they were terrible. I will admit, I bought the collection of 50 gladiator movies for $23 on Amazon, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have watched only the opening 15 minutes of most of them before yawning, turning it off, and popping in my DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES or LOST DVDs.

Here's a link to a collection of 50 movies - going now for $16.

I guess now would be a good time to point out that I love adventure movies, not action movies. Adventure movies are fast-plotted and feature exotic locales, films like Michael Curtiz’s CASABLANCA and THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD with Errol Flynn. My favorite adventure movie of all time is a toss-up between CASABLANCA and the silent, 1925 version of Douglas Fairbanks’ THE THIEF OF BAGHDAD.

Without further ado, here's a few good movies with big, tanned, oiled up musclemen pretending to wrestle rubber snakes:

HERCULES AND THE HAUNTED WORLD

Anyone that's even slightly interested in this kind of movies has probably already seen this one, but I'm slipping this recommendation in for the newbies, because this is definitely one to see first. This one is famously directed by Mario Bava, King of the Spaghetti slasher movies, and features Christopher Lee as his usual ghoulish self, back when he still had the power to be frightening. I saw Lee in the most recent STAR WARS, and I swear, he looked like an evil literature professor. What was he going to do, assign the Jedi multiple chapters of ETHAN FROME?

This one was inspired by MACISTE IN HELL, which I have blogged about before, and features Big Herc himself descending to Hell. It is truly creepy, shocking and unpredictable, the best movie of this genre.

SON OF HERCULES AGAINST THE MOLE MEN

Boy, does the movie ever live up to the supercheesy promise of the title!

The Son of Hercules, who is totally NOT Maciste or anything (wink, wink) battles Mole people destroyed by sunlight in what I can only guess is Africa – the geography is a little confused. It is easily the most bizarre and original film of this kind, with all the intense close-ups on Mark Forest’s glistening, oiled up, Mediterranean muscles as he flexes and strains.

Handsome Caribbean bodybuilder Paul Wynter was billed in this movie as the “Black Hercules,” and he’s the highlight of the movie. It’s disappointing he never got his own spin-off…especially since Maciste, in his first movie was a black Carthaginian slave, something makers of the subsequent Maciste movies conveniently forgot.




The Son of Hercules can lick the Mole Men, but it appears he can’t bench press, grip or grapple his way from his greatest enemy: male pattern baldness. All that said, I think Mark Forest is a very sexy, interesting figure. He was the only one of these guys that didn’t take their role so absolutely seriously, and he was something of an oddball in real life: he left movies to become an opera coach.



HERCULES AND THE CAPTIVE WOMEN



Reg Park’s turn as Big Herc is like a cool superhero comic brought to life. This one is incredible because of the battle with the shapechanging monster Proteus: the damn thing turns in the middle of battle from a lion, to a constricting boa, to a vulture, to a wall of flame, to a big rubber latex iguana-man that looks like the kind Captain Kirk would wrestle. It features atomic supermen, and a civilization that worships the god Uranus. I will admit, every time I try to convince myself I have a sophisticated and intelligent New York sense of humor, I find myself cutting up whenever they say lines like “this day is dedicated to Uranus.” It isn’t that they say Uranus; it’s that they KEEP ON SAYING Uranus, which batters down my defenses.

If you can, see the version with MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000. As always, Mike and the ‘Bots are a hoot!

THE GIANTS OF THESSALY

To be honest, I don’t’ even remember what this movie was about – something like Jason and the Quest for the Golden Fleece, maybe? But the one thing I thought was fascinating was that it was set in Bronze Age Greece, and it showed that society through set decoration as clearly alien, without the usual anachronisms like togas, cheekpiece and bristled helmets or Grecian columns, all of which are products of the Classical Age of Greece.

The Age of Greece that the myths are set was the Bronze Age, or Mycenaean period, an Indo-European mainland Greek society roughly contemporaneous to the Minoans on Crete. We have few ruins from that period (Schliemann discovered Mycenae itself, and found a gorgeous gold mask that has a picture in every art book), and no idea what language they spoke: Linear B, which can’t be translated. In other words, very little of what we know as Greek culture existed at this time. To see that reflected, perhaps unintentionally, in this production was bizarre and intriguing.

SON OF SAMSON

Another redubbed Maciste movie, this one takes Maciste (aka the Son of Samson) and is the closest these movies have ever come to giving the Big Guy something like a psychology. He’s a very lonely person without a woman or love of his life, that is forced to wander. Perhaps in the future, a movie can explore WHY Maciste bounces from time to time always alone, destined to fight wrongs. In the past, did he perform some horrible crime, for which his wanderings are a punishment?

Other than that, the movie is great at showing the beauty and opulence of Ancient Egypt, and it features the big guy’s big muscles in service to building Egyptian monuments by himself (woof!).