Indiana Jones and the Disk of the Fangirl

The release of INDIANA JONES AND THE CRYSTAL SKULL coincides with my discovery of several 3 1/2" floppies from my years in High School. I found some stories on there, most of which were so bad that I'd laugh at them if it wasn't for the fact they were written by ME, albeit at age sixteen.

(Actually, I have a good sexy, romantic one set in the Stone Age with a cave stud that has potential...I could rewrite it maybe. My peepz over at musclegrowth.org would eat it like candy.)

One of the pieces I had on there was a particularly goofy piece of Indiana Jones fanfiction where I gushed about Harrison Ford's "hard chest" and his "musky aftershave." Hehehehe. I could picture my braces-filled metal smile as I told my stuffed animals how much tongue I'd give Harrison Ford on the first date.

I'm not going to repost any of it here, out of shame (hey, we were all sixteen once). But there was one fascinating ballroom dancing scene where Harrison wore the white tux from TEMPLE OF DOOM. The sex was...well, you can imagine. Lots of histrionics and bursting fireworks. In marked contrast to the almost gynocological way I describe sex now that I'm a bitter, worldly chain-smoker that's slightly pissed at men.

But I do love Harrison Ford. He hasn't aged a day for me. Roger Ebert put it best when he said Ford didn't get older, he just got frownier. Ford was one of the big influences on me becoming a fan of muscle men, because of how pumped and fit and big and rugged he was, especially in TEMPLE OF DOOM, where the credits listed "Body By Jake's" as the guys responsible for Harrison Ford.

I don't know who I liked best: bad boy Harrison Ford as Han Solo, or rugged outdoorsy Harrison Ford as Indy.

Big Dragon definitely shows an influence of both: he's rugged like Indy, but roguish and a scoundrel like Han Solo. There was one line in BG that was especially Harrison Fordish: he slips a gun to Morgan and with a wink says, "It's rough out there, kid."

As for the movie itself: KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL is one of the best adventure movies I've seen in years. It's because of Spielberg's direction; he's still the auteur film school director he was in the seventies. He shows action by moving the camera, instead of the frenetic Hong Kong style. The story was very involved and in the classic Indy style. I'm particularly glad about the return of the fear/horror elements that faded to the background during LAST CRUSADE. Although this time, they've changed with the times: Indy's 50s menaces are more paranormal and psychic than occult.

Replacing the Nazi mania for the supernatural is the Russian obsession with psychics, UFOs, and ancient astronauts. The main villainess, a supercool dominatrix, is hinted at being one of the "remote viewers" that the KGB used in an attempt for psychic spying.

The best sequence in the entire movie is one where Indiana Jones wanders onto an atomic bomb test site. It was a great exploration of Indy's mortality. With that scene, we realize in a flash that the Indiana Jones that beat the Nazis was no match for the Cold War and Atomic Age. If the film has any drawbacks, it would be that this fascinating idea wasn't really explored.

Other than that, this movie sticks to its pulp inspirations pretty well. There were a few scenes right out of Leigh Brackett's writing (one sequence, no spoilers but you'll know it when you see it, seemed lifted from Brackett's NEMESIS FROM TERRA). Another scene involving giant ant swarms was seemingly borrowed from Lester Dent's Doc Savage novel, FEAR CAY. Though Lester Dent wrote his scene with his usual panache: the horde of ants "had an odor like vinegar" and sounded like "the sizzle of ten pounds of bacon."

And case anybody is wondering, yes, there is a scene where Harrison Ford does take his shirt off. He's got great muscles for a man his age. I haven't seen a guy's built look good since Reg Park.