The studliest male muscular fictional characters of all time

Sandokan

I don't much care for nice guys. I love baaaaad boys, however.

A dashing, rakish rogue, with smooth cinnamon dark skin and gypsy-light eyes, Sandokan is a pirate called "the Tiger of Malaysia," a sort of uberman for whom morality doesn't apply. Sandokan's stories were set against the backdrop of India, Malaysia, and Borneo in the sail age, where he was a hoop-earring wearing native chief that fought against the British and imperialism. Sandokan was always bigger than life: he had a secret cavern and pirate city filled with treasure, and when we first see him it's as a dark silouette shown only by the momentary flare of a lightning bolt.

He's dark, scary, and loves to ravage female prisoners in his power. That last part I just made up, but I always imagined he would. Though Sandokan is a studly Asian guy that always seemed to get together with these blonde women, which makes me wonder why this series wasn't voted the greatest of all time among every Pakistani math major I've ever known.

I had to read Emilio Salgari in a Spanish language translation of the original Italian, however, because he's pretty much unknown in the English speaking world. By the way, here's a fun fact: I'm actually fully bilingual. People that watch me do mathematics are often startled to see me switch between the languages when counting, one number in English and another in Spanish. Part of the reason Sandokan isn't as well known in the English speaking world is because of the anti-Imperialism and anti-British message of his stories, whereas adventure writers like Kipling and H. Rider Haggard that specialized in telling Americans and British the lies they liked to hear about themselves. Che Guevara read all 50 of Salgari's novels, and so did Isabel Allende and Umberto Eco. Just like it's cool for intellectuals to find cool, ironic appreciation in non-literary adventure novels - think Gore Vidal (who always looked like a real-life Fred from Scooby-Doo that got old along with the rest of us) and his introduction to ERB's Tarzan - Emilio Salgari is the same for Spanish-language writers.

In a wonderful bit of synchronicity, Steve Reeves played Sandokan in several movies, and I've always thought he was at his best doing Thief of Baghdad orientalist stuff, as opposed to the sword n' sandal stuff he always did.

Lion-O

Now this one I'm sort of embarassed to admit, but I've had a crush on him since, oh, about age 4. I loved the bizarre and exotic color of his catseyes, the masculine swell of his chin (again with the chins, but I think it's the secret to a masculine look: a strong lower face). He was brawny and muscular, but in a way I think is the secret to a good physique: a small waisted way that implies sleekness, low body fat, immense speed, and grace.

I also always liked that Lion-O was a sweet guy. He wasn't the gutsy, macho hero of other adventure stories, but somebody for whom all the stories were something of a learning experience, and the other characters his teachers.

He could stand to get a haircut, of course. No way he's ever going to beat Jayce's skunk hair for the sexiest hair on Saturday morning.

I'm sure none of the male watchers of that show had a problem with this, but it always bugged me that none of the Thundercats ever had any real relationships or love. Now, I'm not saying my heroine Cheetara should shack up with somebody...I'm kind of glad that Cheetara was there as a heroine in her own right and not as one of their "girlfriends." But still.

Also: am I the only one that thinks Wiley-Kit is going to be hot when he grows up?

Just me? Okay.

Tarzan

What can I say about the gloriously godlike Tarzan, a flawless muscle stud in a loincloth, with long hair and a beardless strong jaw? There's nothing more gloriously sexy and masculine than a dark tanned, nut-brown wild man that will wrestle a tiger for you with his iron muscles and bare hands, wearing a wispy scrap of a loincloth.

I always thought that I would make a better mate for Tarzan than Jane, who was a more than a bit of a twit. Apparently, I'm not the only one: Jane Goodall thought very much the same thing when she was growing up.